The Emotional Arc of Intimacy

Give your sexy scene an emotional climax as well as a, um, regular one.

It’s hard, erm, difficult, to write an effective sex scene. 

Why?

Because good sex is about way more than just the sex.

I remember reading an erotica years ago that was so confusing when it got to the sexy scenes that I couldn’t understand where the penis was located in three-dimensional space. It was over here, it was over there, it was up high and then down low, it seemed to exist as its own entity, independent of its host… (Also, side story - it was that story that made me think, Damn, I can write sex better than THIS).

But then when I actually sat down to write my very first sexitime scene, suddenly it was as though I had never experienced anything sex related ever before in my entire life. Everything I wrote was awkward, cringy, and not at all sexy. [I did get much better though!]

Here’s what I learned: great sex scenes are not just about bodies (interdimensional penises aside). They are about meaning.

Just like any other scene that you write, a sex scene has to deliver a purpose and move the couple’s story forward. Furthermore, a powerful sex scene is going to have a meaningful arc to it. 

It’s a miniature story; one that should hinge on emotion. 

Emotions > Physical

Simply put, when you are writing an intimate scene (whether that is a kiss, a touch, or more) you can envision it in three parts: beginning, middle, and end. Each part has a slightly different function which you can use to your advantage to not only bring your couple closer, but to seduce your audience as well. 

It’s really not that hard. Ahem, difficult.  

1. The Beginning - Distance

Think: What has been keeping them apart until now? 

Everything leading up to moments of physical contact has been keeping them apart. The very first moment of intimacy obviously carries with it a certain weight, but each additional scene still carries a “why wait until now factor.”

Think about this - the first time they come together (ha!) does not solve every problem in the story. The characters may have given into to their desires but it doesn’t mean that they are 100% ready for commitment OR there may still be external forces in the story keeping them apart. In other words, just because they hook up, doesn’t mean they are done figuring everything out. 

All of the factors keeping them from fully committing, submitting, or even just accepting are opportunities to keep the tension up. And tension is what keeps readers reading. 

Therefore, the “beginning” of your intimate scene should do two things:

1. Have a reason they have been kept apart until now - this is NOT necessarily stated explicitly in the moment. But the reader should know why this moment couldn’t happen sooner. This applies even after their first time. Hold a little back each encounter so we are still left wanting more. 

2. Have your couple up against a new emotional barrier - Consider what it means for them to be together now. What obstacles have they overcome, or they are creating by being together? Bonus sexy points if you can mirror something physical with something emotional. 

2. The Middle - Vulnerability

Think: What changes or shifts between them during the encounter?

Alongside the pummeling, something has to happen emotionally to the characters. Without the emotional element, we are just describing bodies, and you can only use the words thrust and harder so many times. 

Remember, your characters are going to come to this moment with some kind of internal conflict or baggage. What comes to the surface during the encounter and how do they deal with it? More bonus points if you can connect this to whatever was keeping them apart in the first place. 

• Uncertainty becomes clarity

• Fear becomes excitement

• Longing becomes fulfillment

• A power imbalance changes from one to the other

• An emotional wall comes down

(Things can go backwards too. They aren’t always going to become closer. Things can certainly go wrong.)

Letting something show that they had been hiding or unaware of before (either intentionally or unintentionally) will give us that emotional vulnerability. That’s what makes the sexitime soooo good. 

Therefore, the “middle” of your intimate scene should do two things:

1. Let the emotions unravel - allow your characters to show their vulnerability. Whether it’s saying more than they mean or opening themselves up to something new physically, one or both characters needs to show their emotions and both should be affected. 

2. Let the physical build - Just like in real sexitime, the pace increases or changes throughout the middle. (Changes means that if they start with a real high intensity, maybe they take a moment to slow and connect). Regardless of how they started, there should be a physical progression. Use sharper or more nuanced language or get a little more explicit. Use whatever fits your writing style and the story, but let us feel the change.     

3. The End - Consequences

Think: What mark is this moment going to leave?

They’ve pushed past whatever was holding them back, they’ve shown some vulnerability, now you need to decide where we are going to end. We want a satisfying physical ending (what that looks like in your story depends on you), but what matters more is how the characters feel on this side of the encounter.

Remember we want to hold off complete emotional contentment until the very end, but think about where your couple is now that they have indulged. Was it the type of encounter where they come together and walls immediately come up again? Or are they beginning to trust each other more? Maybe they are committed, but the story isn’t over and they have more to do before they can fully be together. In essence, the ending of the sexitime scene, should show us where they are at in their path of coming together.   

What is the outcome of the encounter?

• Do they feel closer?

• Do they feel bonded?

• Does one (or both) feel more exposed?

• Does one (or both) feel more afraid?

• Has the relationship become more (or less) complicated?

Therefore, the “end” of your intimate scene should do two things:

1. Satisfy physically - Do you get what I’m saying? I’m running out of euphemisms. (Also, I want to point out it’s completely fair to not let the moment come to completion, if there was an interruption or something of the sort. But we tend not to love finding out one of the partners is, um, bad at stuff – unless that too is a major plot point for you. Inexperienced is okay, but bad is…bad.)  

2. Ground us in the emotions of the characters - We should know where they are at by the end of the scene, or in the following scene. What do they admit to each other, what do they admit to themselves and how do they feel about it? Readers love to know how each character was affected by the act. Sometimes the gentle moments in the pillowtalk scenes are even more erotic than the actual act. 

The Final Word

In general, your emotional arc should mirror your physical arc. As the physical is ramping up, so should your emotions. Keep the physical balanced with the emotional. Use a combination of description, action, and dialogue to show us how this moment means more than a quick roll in the hay! 

Remember, readers love the physical aspect, but we need emotion to give it purpose. 

Your turn!

Look at any intimate scene that you have written and consider if it shows progression and gives a taste of the emotions they are feeling. If not, see if you can apply some more of their vulnerabilities. I’m sure you will be happy with the results.

If you haven’t written an intimate scene, yet, do it boldly! It might feel awkward at first, but get it on the page and keep these tips in mind. I’m sure as long as all the parts are connected correctly you will have a better scene than the one I read in that erotica I read years ago!